Chapter 8 Excerpts
The Vacuum Incident
"I remember once Master Mother leaving that thing running while she left the room to attend to a Baby accident. I always cower in the corner when that’s around and still it eventually gets pushed over to my corner forcing me out with all it’s freaky sounds and vibrations. This one day I decide I’m going to check this thing out. I figured I could deal with all it’s rumbling and vibrating as long as it wasn’t moving. I nudged around it a little. There was the smell of rubber heating up and dust was leaking out it’s center. I stuck my nose up to that center bag sack and with a little tap it tipped over from being top heavy. Well, drop my bone, I completely freaked and jumped back startled by it’s unmuffled screams and furious blur of it’s spinning teeth. I wanted no part of this anymore and grabbed the blue blanket in my jaw and ran past this demon in search of a corner to hide. With quick and cautious steps I navigated past the open mouth of the beast with my security in tow but it suddenly ripped the blue blanket from my jaw. It’s got the blue blanket and it’s making this God awful sick gagging. I think the blue blanket is chocking this thing and it’s rattling and quivering on the floor. It’s pure evil, pure evil I tell you. We dogs don’t have the type of vivid imaginations that make us panic over extreme future events but I could imagine getting what little counter balance I have ripped away by that thing."
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House Dogs
"(winter) probably was the best time of year for “caged” house dogs as well, knowing that people would always be around. By house dogs I mean dogs who are leashed or actually have a place to crap in the house. And I don’t mean poodles either. They’re not dogs, they’re poodles. Beaner’s family dog Alec, now that’s a house dog. I’m not going to diss them because I hardly think they could survive in the dog free world. No dog should be running loose that might be considered dinner by the average large bird. For seasonal concerns, a little short haired daschund like Alec would suffocate in just an average accumulation of snow."
Tago & Pierre
"On the other end of the spectrum, I happened to be strolling down Union Street one wintery day to witness a very odd occurrence. I took a leer into Captain’s and Cappy’s front window and what did I see? Poodles flying in mid air. At first I was impressed. Is this the type of evolutionary necessity that comes from being locked up all day. Equivalent to the geek who stays home and reads all those mad science books to one day invent the pill that skyrockets muscle mass and eliminates acne in three easy to take doses. As I got a little closer I noticed Tago and Pierre weren’t exactly wide-eyed over their little triumph against gravity. In fact, they were bug-eye scared. Silly me in thinking anything positive in their plight. It seems the boys were just playing a little game of house football... Tago and Pierre were the actual footballs!"
Sugar Envy
"Master Mark, however, made the most of Sugar as his companion by often placing his orange patrol belt around the dog. This was a great “PR” tactic as the kids really took to him as their guide and protector. While I was getting noted and quoted for my village menacing, Sugar was building up points as the brave loyal mutt. Then to have Scooter the now lovable tripod by his side, this only added to Sugar’s favor among the coveted five to fifteen year old doggie demographic. Sugar was now a second rate Laddie and I was starting to notice some subtle differences in the way kids responded to us. Subtle if you consider sneers, jeers, snowballs, rocks and even books being tossed at me whenever I was around. Subtle if you consider, petting, fawning, laughs and courtesies addressed in Sugar’s direction.
Pleasantries can only get you so far in the new order of this doggie free world but to lose the admiration of the coveted five to fifteen doggie demographic was a huge blow to my cause. These would be the ones someday telling stories about me at the local pubs. These would be the ones eventually so uncomfortable in their thirty-something skin they would prefer to think of me as still alive with my hoarse bark and grey muff still dragging my arthritic hind legs after any car that wasn’t goin’ over the speed limit. This type of legend can’t grow if they prefer me dead! One dog alone in despicable doggie self promotion could be viewed as a sad, undisciplined, desperate ploy for attention. Without Sugar backing me up there’s no precedent to set for acceptability of dog lovin’ chaos. The five to fifteen doggie demographic actually love dog fights and car chases and dry humping if it has entertainment value."
Dallas The Playa'
"I wasn’t just a blanket humper anymore you know. I was the real deal. Stud, Casanova, playa’, whatever you want to call it. Oh yes, you humans are politically correct now so I guess the proper term for my behavior would be sexual harassment. Sticks and stones as your statement goes. I was gettin’ some action and don’t care what you call me. Although in analyzing your saying, I wonder how many of you who use that phrase would actually prefer getting your bones broken to standing up to your beliefs. Wouldn’t you love to break someone's arm with a rock just once when they spout that comeback at you.
It was nice to have the time and the willing (tired) partner to savor the act, as you will. Usually I spend most of the energy on the chase and the effort to hold down my bitch. Other times you’ve trespassed into some yard and you’re trying to get the deed in before the owner responds to all the heavy howling. That’s what happened my first time."
A Smell Is Worth A Thousand Suspicions
" If only your poorly developed aromatic senses could detect what Sugar was detecting. How many more crimes could be solved? How many felons could be apprehended? How many more wrongs could be righted? None I tell you. Your world would be total chaos. The sense of smell is the most powerful sense of them all. It’s an arousing, corruptive, manipulative force that intoxicates the brain debilitating reason and judgment. In the cut throat world of emotionless wild animals they can respond to it’s singular trigger and act with a definitive purpose. Sometimes the actions may not be based on the whole truth but there is no fairness in the wild other than the strongest will survive. Doggie society truth is that Scooter is holding the smoking gun and he’s guilty despite the fact I placed the gun in his possession.
I shutter to think if human society might someday evolve a more advanced snout. You are already so quick with judgment based on what your eyes and ears take in. Do you have any idea how condeming your judgements would be with the nose of a dog.
A highly developed aromatic appendage would absorb stimulus deep into the brain secreting chemicals to your furthest emotional triggers. Your conscious would be all encompassing to what emotions first burst forth and reason would not be controllable. If you smelled money on some guy you’d uncontrollably call him a flaunting snob. If you smelled garbage on some guy you’d label him a bum. It would just come out, all your deepest petty thoughts and emotions on public display. And forget about anyone walking within close proximity to anything. Accusations would fly through the air like influenza in a fan testing factory. You’d only be innocent until you smelled like something suspicious. "
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